This story prompted me to respond to one of the forwarded emails from my Pops. Mostly jokes, sometimes funny, but every once in a while you get one that is slightly off-color due to race, religion, and what not. What follows is my response to a bad joke about the Conservative and Liberal movements.

I love you Dad, but we obviously disagree about some things. If I could offer one tip to the older generation that has figured out how to forward email: use the BCC feature so I can’t respond back to all your friends

Click “(more)” to read the emails:

FROM: Nick

TO: Unsuspecting Conservatives

SUBJECT: RE: THIS SHOULD OPEN UP THE GATES—UP AND AT EM FOLKS–

It took a lot of energy not to respond to this last week…I deleted it and forgot about it.

Then I saw a real news story that I had to share. Interesting that the real news can be found on the LIBERAL COMEDY CENTRAL, while CONSERVATIVE FOX NEWS CHANNEL, aka THE SLY FOX, aka THE FOX NOISE CHANNEL is a funnier joke than those BULLSHIT ABSOLUTE TRUTHS below.

I took time to read your email, so I request that you take a look at this episode of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central. Promise you will laugh. And I dare you to listen to what the REGGIN has to say when, while rhyming to music mind you, he explains why conservatives are some of the most hypocritical people in existence:

http://www.comedycentral.com/colbertreport/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=176907

.
.
.

Hope you enjoyed the show, now let’s get serious:

PAY ATTENTION CONSERVATIVES: I am NOT LIBERAL. Don’t waste so much time bashing liberals because you should really be afraid of ME in the MIDDLE. The middle is this rapidly growing place where people don’t take a stance on an issue until considering all sides and points of view. We are tired of conservative BS and will call you on it but at the same time, labeling myself a liberal is a bit too extreme for my tastes.

A few years ago I heard an astrophysicist speak out against the latest Creationist movement disguised as Intelligent Design. Once again it was on COMEDY CENTRAL!!! Anyway, he basically said that Creationist thought is basically intellectual laziness. So hear are some of my thoughts about some Conservative beliefs, not to be confused with “ABSOLUTE TRUTHS”, they are just my opinions:

RELIGION:
- Quantum Physics, the Big Bang, Evolution…all too hard to understand…must have been created by a magic man in the sky: GOD
- Even more ridiculous, if another culture calls the magic man in the sky something else, convert ‘em or kill ‘em!

NEWS FLASH: When Muslims pray to ALLAH they are not praying to the “ARABIAN MOON GOD”. IT IS THE EXACT SAME GOD YOU PRAY TOO. Just a reminder: JEWS and CHRISTIANS both believe in the Old Testament, they just have a bit of a different account of what happened after a virgin gave birth and the baby said he was the son of god. ISLAM is just a continuation of Judaism and Christianity. Muslims believe in the Old Testament so they have the same God AND consider Jesus a divinely inspired prophet so the believe in the Gospel…there was just another guy later in history that they think was the last prophet and he wrote down the Qur’an. How could they all be so similar???? Maybe because they all descend from Abraham: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abrahamic_religion

GOVERNMENT:
- Sorry, but when BUSHY-2 is looked back upon in 20-years, it is going to be the most embarrassing time in American History…thanks Conservatives.
- All the money we spent wrestling control of Iraq away from Saddam and “stabalizing” Iraq probably could have paid for a Universal Healthcare System. Anyway, we couldn’t have a madman in oil country, the prices of gas might have gone up. Wait a sec…
- Best of all, conservative lawmakers in Michigan have pushed through legislation that says “sagging your pants” is now a ticketable offense. If a person wants to look ridiculous by having their pants only come up to their mid-thigh and can’t walk without constantly pulling up their pants, who cares…it’s their problem. I even bust a little bit of a sag…it’s a lot cooler than having your shirt tucked in and your pants pulled up to your neck.

It’s getting late for now, but I plan on finishing this on my BLOG (http://www.battlemonkey.net), so you aren’t off the hook yet!

-Nick

>
>
>
>
> Happy Monday
>
>
>
> Subject: THIS SHOULD OPEN UP THE GATES—UP AND AT EM FOLKS–
> Date: Thu, 14 Jul 2008
>
>
>
> History 101 – - A Condensed Version of History
>
>
> Humans originally existed as members of small bands of Nomadic
> hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
> and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
> to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups:
>
> 1. Liberals, and
> 2. Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beg inning
> of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been
> invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting
> for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s
> how villages were formed.
>
>
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
> while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now
> known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less
> skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
> for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair
> dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
>
>
> Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
> known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
> domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
> the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and
> beer that conservatives provided.
>
>
> Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
> powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
> the jackass.
>
>
> Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
> beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
> higher testosterone levels than their men.
>
>
> Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in
> Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
> designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also
> bat.
>
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and
> still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
> cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
> police officers, c orporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally
> anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
> other conservatives who want to work for a living.
>
>
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
> and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
> are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
> remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
> in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get
> something for nothing.
>
>
> Here ends today’s lesson in world history:
> It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
> respond to the above before forwarding it.
>
>
> A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
> truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
> true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
> And th ere you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
>
>

While offering scientific explanations to “weird” physical observations (i.e. Einstein’s Spooky Action at a Distance and teleportation from Quantum Entanglement), it also provides an interesting look into the supernatural. Stories of an Indonesian shaman woman who, by performing a ritual dance, was able to make an entire grove of trees instantly vanish into thin air…bending of spoons with your mind…these supernatural occurrences could be explained by the theory that the 3D world that we consider reality is really just an illusion, a projection of a 2D hologram. Furthermore, the very nature of a hologram is such that everything is everywhere, meaning everything in our universe is infinitely interconnected.

This has struck a huge chord with me, personally: a considerable time ago I noticed that street lights happen to turn off as I walk or drive near them: Street Lamp Interference. I have long considered that some sort of “energy” is connecting us with our environment. This connection may not be a connection at all, the physical separation of 3D objects in our “world” may just be an illusion..even time may be an illusion. Past, present, and future may all exist simultaneously.

I could go on for days about the profound implications of this line of thought, but will end it for now. Feel free to contact me for more links to essays on this subject…they are very interesting reads!